A married guy was out getting a little kinky sex when he suffered a massive heart attack and died...

The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?"

To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... Cut it off and stuff it in his ass."

When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket... Bending over him she said softly...

"Hurts, doesn't it?"

A couple is getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up and everything... But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he mustn't be angry, that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, and then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says, "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The woman's face goes blank. He Continues - "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode. The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

Three men sit at a bar. The first says, "I found a tool belt under my bed, I think my wife is sleeping with a repairman." The second man replies, "I believe my wife is sleeping with a plumber, found a plunger under my bed." The third man nods, and says: "I found a cowboy under my bed, I think my wife is sleeping with a horse."

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

Why?

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.