Bob is injured in a car accident and is admitted to hospital. He ends up in a men’s ward, next to Joe and Phil. Phil yells out to the nurse, "Hey nurse, I need to take a piss!" The nurse comes over and says, "Don’t talk like that here, please. Say I need to do number one." Some time later, Joe yells out to the nurse, "Hey nurse, I need to take a shit!" The nurse comes over and says, "Please don't talk like that. Say I need to do number two." Some time later, Bob calls the nurse over and whispers to her; "nurse, I need to take a shit but I haven't been given a number yet."

A handsome guy goes into the hospital for some minor surgery and, the day after the procedure, a friend stops by to see how he is doing. The friend is amazed at the number of nurses who come by the room with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give him back rubs, etc. “Why all the attention?” the friend asks. “You look fine to me.”
“I know!” grins the patient. “But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-five stitches.”