A guy is suffering from severe headaches. The doctor says "I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."

This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that's been hanging around for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away. The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he's been dying to try it out on his first patient. He says to the guy "not only will this thing tell you what's wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top. The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray. The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, "you have tennis elbow". The guy says, "that doesn't make sense. I don't even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me..." At this point the doc interrupts and says, "nonsense, this device doesn't lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don't forget to bring another urine sample with you." The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit. He then has an idea. Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it. He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution. Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake. "There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!" Next A.M. he hands the doc the jar. Doc pours the contents into the machine. This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop. Doc picks it up and begins reading: "Your wife's pregnant, your daughter's fucking the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don't quit spanking your monkey you'll never get rid of this tennis elbow!"

A woman went in for a physical the other day. The doctor asked her to disrobe. When she did the doctor noticed she had a big red "H" on her chest. The doctor said; that's strange. How did you get the red "H" on your chest? The woman replied: "My husband went to Harvard and beloved the school so much he never takes his block sweater off...even when we make love." Several days later; another woman came into the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor went through the same routine. After she disrobed, the doctor noticed she had a big "M" on her chest. Not wanting to appear stupid, the doctor said: "Your boyfriend must have gone to Michigan." The woman responded" "I don't know what you are talking about, but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin."

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
“You aren’t good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”