A guy walks into a bar and asks for a shot of whisky and a beer chaser, the bartender asks to see his money at which time the man tells him that he hasn't got any but if he gives him the drinks he will fill his bar for him.
The barkeep asks how the hell he will accomplish this, to which the man replies that he can play Beethoven's 3rd out of his ass. The bartender says bullshit, no one can do that so the man gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and does a perfect rendition of the tune. The bartender throws down the drinks and says that he has a deal (with dollar signs in his eyes)
That night word has gotten out and the bar is filled to the top. The big moment comes and the man gets up on the bar, drops his drawers and craps all over everyone in the first 2 rows.
The bartender yells "you bastard, I'm ruined!!! I'll never get another person in my bar!!!!” to which the man replies " I don't know what you are so upset about, even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before he sings!!"

What's the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your pants?
Nothing. Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q.What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A.Homeless