What do husbands and floor tiles have in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

“Did you pick up any Italian on your vacation?” The accountant asked her girlfriend from sales as they waited for the coffee to brew. “I sure did,” enthused the recently returned saleswoman.
“Let me hear you say some words.”
“I didn’t learn any words.”

Walking up to the counter in the record store, the luscious young lady asked the man, “Do you have U2’s latest?”
“What I got for you,” the man said, leaning closer, “is an eight-inch schlong.”
Puzzled, the girl asked, “Is that a record?” “No,” the clerk said, “but it’s far better than average.”

A girl says to Dirty Harry, “Do you want me to take my clothes off so you can play doctor?”
Harry says, “No. Spit out the gum – I want to play president.”