A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly
across the ocean to Hawaii, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Hawaiian woodpecker led him to a tree that no woodpecker could peck!
The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the
tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

A hooker is walking down the street; a guy walks up to her and asks how much for a hand job? The hooker says 100 dollars. The guy says a hundred dollars? The hooker says yeah that’s how I got this fur coat. The guy says ok. They go have fun and the guy says that was the best hand job. Thanks!
He comes back the next day and ask how much for a blowjob? The hooker says 200 dollars. The guy says 200 dollars? The hooker says how do you think I got the Ferrari? The guys says ok so they go have fun when he is done the guys says that was the best blowjob ever. The next day he comes back and asks how much for some coochie? The hooker says if I had a coochie I wouldn't own this high rise now would I........!

Q. Why don't witches wear panties?
A. To get a better grip on the broom!

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You ass.... It’s three-fifteen in the morning!"