A farmer and his wife were outside in their field and saw a spaceship land. Out of this spaceship came two strange creatures and one said: "Hello earthlings, we are here to find out your human sex life. Will you swap for a day? "The farmer and his wife agreed. The next morning, the farmer asked his wife,” What happened?" His wife replied,” It was the best sex I ever had; when he turned his left ear, his dick grew to 16 inches long; and when he turned his right ear, It grew as fat as a sausage.” Then the farmer screamed,” Well no wonder that bitch tried to rip my ears off!"

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

This young lad got himself a girlfriend. He has been dating her for a few weeks and she’s just agreed for them to have sex on the condition that he uses a condom.
He goes to the chemist to buy some condoms but there are a lot of women around so he comes over all shy and decides to buy a dummy.
The next day he goes back to the chemist same thing happens again but this time he buys a pair of tweezers.
On the third day he’s getting really hot and horny, goes back into the chemist, the chemist is empty with a beautiful assistant behind the counter. He shyly goes up to the counter and asks for packet o condoms. The assistant turns rounds and asks him “R u gona SUCKA PLUKA or FUCKA.”

A man asks his friend, "How did your date with the deaf nymphomaniac go last night"? "Pretty good", the man replies! "But I need to brush up on my sign language." Why, asks the man! "They kicked us out of the Restaurant when I asked her if she likes the taste of Gum!"