A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??" The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....
I don't want to go to Iraq either"!

A freed prisoner walks to a park and starts screaming" I'm free" over and over again.
A boy with a lisp goes over to him and says “so what I’m five!"

If Wednesday is often called hump day because it's the middle of the week, then why don't countries that struggle with a decline in population make Wednesdays a "National Hump Day" holiday?

You know you’re from Utah when:
You measure Kool-Aid by parts per million
You think "You're a 10 cow wife" is a compliment
You make a toast with red punch at your wedding reception
Every driveway has a minivan and a pickup truck
People drive to Idaho (or Arizona) to pick up a gallon of milk so they can play the lottery
In-state college football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl
There is a church on every corner, and they all teach the same thing
Schools stay open, even if 6 feet of snow falls overnight, but close for the opening of hunting season
People wear shorts and T-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees
You live in a state where Democrats always come in third place, unless a zoo animal is running, and then they come in fourth
You learn about the Mormon Church by taking history in elementary school
You have to ask for the uncensored version of "Titanic."
Hotel rooms all have the Book of Mormon
You buy your wardrobe at the local grocery superstore
Cars in the slow lane are traveling the fastest; cars in the fast lane are traveling the slowest; cars in the middle lanes are always trying to exit
Sandals are the best-selling shoes
There is a similarity between a ward basketball game and the L.A. riots
You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer
You negotiate prices at a garage sale
You can make Jell-O salad without the recipe
You've heard about BYU football in a testimony meeting
At least two of your salad bowls are at the homes of neighbors
You believe that you must be 18 or older to order coffee at a restaurant
Your family considers a trip to McDonald's a night out
You know the difference between a 'Steak House' and a 'Stake House'
The elevation exceeds the population
You've broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you
You can go skiing and play golf on the same day
30% humidity is muggy and almost unbearable
You can pronounce Tooele
The U is not just a letter - Neither is the Y
You have actually eaten funeral potatoes
You've gotten both heat and frost burns off your car's door handle in the same month
You are not surprised to hear words like "Darn, Fetch, Flip", "Oh, My Heck" and "Shoot"
Your tulips get snowed on three times after they come up and twice more after they bloom