Q: What did the self loathing alcoholic narcissist say?
A: "I'm gonna drink until I look good."

Doug came home unexpectedly early from work only to find his wife lying in bed naked with large hickies all over her neck and red welts all over her breasts. She had obviously been ravaged in a moment of passion. Doug then noticed a burning cigar on the night stand next to the bed. He screamed at his wife, “What is going on here, who did this to you?" His wife calmly and innocently said, “No one Doug, whenever I try to smoke a cigar, I break out in a rash!"

As the young couple parked in a crowded lover’s lane, she cooed, “It’s lovely out here tonight, just listen to the crickets.”
“Those aren’t crickets,” her date replied. “They’re zippers.”

What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk?
A drunk doesn’t have to attend those stupid meetings.