Impressionable eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the energetic young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit, and boomed, “Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mowf.”

Storming into the drugstore first thing Monday morning. The young man slammed a carton and a receipt down on the counter. “I came in here on Friday and purchased twelve dozen condoms,” he yelled at the pharmacist. “Well, I counted them. There’s only eleven dozen here.” Looking at the man square in the eye, the pharmacist apologetically said, “So sorry, sir, to have ruined your weekend.”

Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush

A guy's out for a walk one sunny afternoon and as he's passing an insane asylum, he realizes that he needs to know the time, but he has no watch.

He sees a man sunning himself on a reclining lawn chair on the other side of a chain link fence, so he asks, "Excuse me, but do you have the time?"

The guy jumps up and pulls a 9" stick from his pocket, pounds it into the ground...measures the length of the stick and the length of the shadow. He takes a protractor from his other pocket and measures the angle of the shadow, and then measures the angle of the sun. He takes out a pad and pencil and works furiously. He looks up and says "It is precisely 4 PM"

At that exact moment; a church bell tower chimes 4.

The passerby is amazed and expresses his amazement to the inmate. "That was fabulous! I am SO impressed. But tell me...all that work you had to do, suppose it had not been sunny when I passed by?"

"Easy." The inmate replied as he held up his wrist and pulled back the sleeve, "I just look at my watch."