Why are married women usually heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

An obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself was serving a plane’s cabin. He came swishing down the aisle and said through the PA, "Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one of the women hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." The flight attendant responded, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put up the tray, Bitch."

From the Washington Post Style Invitation:
It was postulated that English, like many foreign languages, should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason. Here are the best submissions:

ZIPLOC BAGS - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Also because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - Female, (Ha! You thought I'd say male). But consider: it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.