Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

A man goes into a restaurant. A beautiful waitress comes over to serve him and asks what he would like. He says, “I want a quickie.” She slaps him and says, “Just give me your order, mister!” The man says, “I want a quickie!” She slaps him again. “Last chance,” “What do you want?” The man insists, “Look, I really, really want a quickie!”
Another customer leans over and says, “I believe that’s pronounced quiche.”

A guy walking on the sidewalk passed by a young man sitting on a bench with his head hanging low crying. The man asked, "What’s wrong friend?"
"Well," The man replied, "I live in an expensive house, I have a hundred dollar a day allowance, I get a new sports car every other month and I'm surrounded by beautiful women." "Then why do you feel so down?" asked the stranger. "Because," replied the young man, "I forgot where I live!"

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
Written just below it "I do not"