Then there was this young man who left the priesthood after just two months.
“Can you imagine,” he told a friend, “the torture of giving up your sex life only to have people come in and tell you the highlights of theirs?”

A man and his nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they
were there, the Wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband "You
can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the
Holy Land, for $150."


The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend only $150.00?"


The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Positive thinking is like this
A little bird in the sky,
You look up, and Shit in your eyes,
You don't mind, you don't cry,
You just Thank God,
That COWS DON'T FLY

Diabetics need insulin so that they don't die:
I need cigarettes and coffee so that others don't die
So my smoking is really a public service then, isn't it?