One day a Bob is going golfing and a stranger comes up to him and asks if he can play with him. The man says ok and they start playing. After about three holes Bob asks the stranger what he does for a living.
"I'm a hit man," the man replies.
The man laughs and says, "That's funny, what do you really do?"
The man says, "I'm really a hit man, look in my golf bag."
The man goes and looks in the golf bag and in it there is a sniper rifle with a scope on it.
"Hey do you mind if I use this scope to see my house?"
The hit man tells him not at all, so the guy uses the scope and zooms in his bedroom window. He sees his wife naked. Then his neighbor comes up, and he is naked too. The man gets really mad and says, "How much does it cost to do a hit?"
The hit man says a thousand dollars a shot.
"Then I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis because he is sticking it in my wife and shoot my wife in the mouth because she is always yapping." The hit man takes the sniper rifle and sits there aiming for about fifteen minutes.
The man says, "Hey man, hurry up!"
"Hold on a second," the sniper says, "I'm trying to save you a thousand bucks."

In the clubhouse one-woman golfer said to another " I got injured between the first and second hole."
"That’s a bitch,” said the other woman, " You will never get a band aid to stick there!"

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' And she said, "Take a sweater..."

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic.

We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."