A man who worked at a pickle plant returned home in the early afternoon, much to his wife’s surprise. “What happened?” she asked. He replied that his penis got caught in a pickle slicer. His wife was sympathetic as she asked what happened to the pickle slicer. “She got fired too,” he said.

Soon after a couple turns in for the night, the wife becomes aware that her husband is touching her in an unusual way. Not having had much physical contact with him for a while, she decides just to relax and enjoy herself. He runs his hands along her shoulders, then along her side, across her abdomen, down her leg, then up the inside of her leg. By this time, she is squirming with pleasure. He soon reaches down between her thighs… then abruptly stops and turns over. “Honey, why did you stop? I was just getting started.” “I found the remote,” he says.

A woman got home after a shopping trip and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a stunning young girl. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband jumped up and stopped her with this story.

“Before you do anything, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this girl, looking poor and tired, and I offered her a ride,”
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the lobster you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes you no longer wear because they are out of style. She was cold, so I gave her that new Christmas sweater you never wore because you did not like the style. Her slacks were worn, so I gave her a pair of yours that you do not fit into anymore. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ And so, here we are!”

We know a fellow who, upon being told by his sagacious wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea.