Denis had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn’t seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled,
“Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy he’s got a purple heart on!” to which the mother replied, “I don’t give a dam what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at he Joneses’ for a couple of hours.”

A home owner files a robbery report at the police station and declares that the house has been burglarized by gays.
The policeman asks; “how do you know?”
When I came home, I discovered that my jewelry was missing and all my furniture had been tastefully rearranged. He replied.

A man walks into a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun. And robs the bank! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line.” Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer replies, "Yes!" The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG!!! Shoots him in the head and kills him! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man calmly responds ... "No, but my wife did!"

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, (n). The person upon whom one coughs.
2 Flabbergasted, (adj). appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. Abdicate, (v). To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, (v). To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, (adj). Impotent.
6. Negligent, (adj). Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only
a nightgown.
7. Lymph, (v). To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, (n). Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, (n). Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, (n). A rapidly receding hairline..
11. Testicles, (n). A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, (n). The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon, (n). A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, (n). A person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, (n). The belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, (n). An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.