One day a man decided that he was sick and tired of going home every payday and giving his check to his wife. So the next payday he cashed his check and went out partying all weekend. When he finally decided to come home, there was his wife waiting for him on the front porch. As soon as he she sees him she starts in ....where have you been, why haven't you called, where is your paycheck? She stops, noticing that he appears not to be listening at all. She then grabs his face and states very harshly "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple days?" The man thinks a little and he says with a half smirk "I think that I would like that a lot!" A day goes by and he doesn't see her...2 days go by and he still hadn't seen her...3 days go by and the swelling had gone down just enough that he could see her through the corner of his left eye.

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!'

“Tell me,” the husband asked his wife on their wedding night,
“Am I the first man you ever slept with?”
“No,” the woman shook her head; “I’d have recognized you when we met.”

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.