One day 2 friends, Derek and Chris, were drinking and driving and flew over a curve and both of them died. Derek went to heaven and Chris went to hell. Well, Derek has seen all of heaven and wants to see his buddy Chris in hell. So Derek asks God if he can go to hell and check on his buddy Chris. God says that would be alrite so Derek goes down to hell and finds Chris... to his amazement Chris isn't being tortured but has a beautiful girl on his lap and a beer in his hand. Derek, furious, doesn't even talk to his friend instead he heads straight to heaven and asks God, "How come Chris has this beautiful woman and cold beer to drink and I haven't got any of that?"."Well",God says,"The beer has got a hole in it and the woman doesn't!!"

At a bar three guys start a conversation over drinks: "If the world was going to end in 20 minutes. What would you do?"
#1 one guy says, "I’d spend time with my loved ones"
#2 guy says, "I’d fuck anything that moves!"
#3 guy said, "I’d stay very still"

Two guys are sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says, “did you know that in this country alone there are over a half million battered women?” “No s...,” the other guy says. “All this time I’ve been eating them plain.”

Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?
A: Tickle its balls!!!