(Over-heard in my corner bar)
Old Guy - "Went turkey hunting yesterday... only got 2 birds... guess the eye's start to go a bit when your 80 years old."

Young Guy - "Wow... turkey hunting at age 80... that's great!!"

Old Guy - "That’s no big deal... my Dad went along also and he's 100."

Young Guy - "100 years old and out hunting turkeys? I'd say that's kind of a big deal."

Old Guy - "Well, my Grandfather would have gone also and he's 120... married some young girl and took off for the Honeymoon."

Young Guy - "120 years old and wanted to marry some young girl instead of hunting turkeys??? Man-oh-man your family's too much!!!"

Old Guy - "Who said he 'WANTED' to get married?"

"There's a lot of bed hopping going on in those nursing homes."
I don't mean sexual, Oh No. Their Just Looking For A Dry Spot!

Sunday's sermon was -- Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80 percent of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the minister asked. "I don't have any." She replied. smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-Eight." She replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the Bitches."

One night when an old man comes home his wife is laying on the bed in the same "outfit" she wore on their wedding night. The old lady says to her husband "dear, do you remember what this is?" "Yes dear" he replies. The old lady continues, "do you remember what you said to me last time I wore this, on our wedding night??" and the old man sort of bored of these questions replies, "yes dear I do." The old lady forced him to repeat it and the old man aggravated says, "I'm going to suck your tits until there’s nothing left and f### your brains out." the old lady satisfied with the answer says, "And now, 40 years later with me in this same outfit- what do you have to say??" the old man thinks then says, "Mission accomplished".