A man banged his shin on the bedpost on his way back from the bathroom, waking his wife. After apologizing, he complained, "Why is it I always have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee?"
She mumbled as she readjusted the blankets, "I guess that's why they call it the wee hours."

Two drunken guys pass home through a cemetery. They hear some lovely music as they go by Mozart’s grave. They are very confused. Along comes a policeman and says: "its fine guys. It's Mozart. He's just playing backwards".
He reassures them: "It's ok. It is Mozart. He is playing backwards. Mozart is a genius, but he is just de-composing!"

How do you catch a squirrel with a Pamela Anderson fixation?
Climb in a tree and act like a chestnut.

Old business man to a beautiful young model; would you consider sleeping with me for a million dollars?? “Hmmm, yes I think I would!!" she says. Well he says; how about five dollars then? “How dare you!! She says "what sort of girl do you think I am!!”
He says....we’ve already established that! Now we are just fixing the price!!!""