The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain, "Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's
what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor! No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. ."Oh, my Gosh!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just had to pack it all in. “Mrs. Smith leaned forward.”Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes..
Well, if you’re ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?” "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted!

A fellow in a small town in Sk.Canada had a small Grocery Store, which had been there for years and had all the business in Town as well as the surrounding Community. One day a new guy moved into town, and within two weeks had all the business going to his Store. The guy that had been there for years was wondering what had happened to his business, so went across the street to the new guy, and said, What is wrong here, I’ve been here for years, and had all the business, and you come into town and in two weeks you have it all. Than new guy said that he uses the "Progressive Selling Method, and would show the guy what he meant. A man comes into the store and says he wants some Grass Seed. The owner goes in the back and comes out with the Grass See, and says, this will be $1.99 plus $2.99. The guy says what is the $2.99 for. The guy says that the $1.99 was for the Grass Seed and the $2.99 was for the Fertilizer. The fellow says, I didn’t order Fertilizer, the man says, if your going to plant Grass, you need Fertilizer so it will grow. The customer aggress, and the Grocer says that will be $1.99, plus $2.99, plus $99.99. The customer says, what is the $99.99 for. The Grocer says, your going to plant grass, and Fertilize it, so you need a Lawn Mower to cut it. The guy that has been there for years says that he has it figured out, and goes back to his Store. A Lady comes in and says, I would like some Tampax please, the guy comes out and says, the will be $3.99, plus $99.99. The Lady says, what on Earth is the $99.99 for? The owner says that the $3.99 is for the Tampax, and the $99.99 is for the Lawn Mower. The Lady says, I didn’t order a Lawn Mower, and the owner says, If You Can’t Screw, you may as well cut the Grass!!!!!!!

Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are. Here are a few.
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right".
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Pharmacist: May I help you sir?
Client: Yes… I, uh..well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I’m going out on a date tonight,
and you know, I need some…
Pharmacist: You need some protection.
Client: Right.
Pharmacist: Small, Medium, or large?
Client: Uhhh. Medium, I guess.
Pharmacist: Okay, that’ll be $2.35 including tax.
Client: Tacks!! I thought they stayed on by themselves!