Visiting a town in CA for campaigning, the presidential candidate checked into one of the posh hotel. Upon being shown to his room, he found a voluptuous young woman lying naked in the bed. Turning to the bellhop, he said, “What’s the meaning of this? Are you trying to cause a scandal? I’m going to be the next president of the United States, and your establishment has the nerve to insult and offend me in this manner? I intend to sue the management for every penny it has!”
While the bellhop was quaking beneath the verbal attack, the sexy young girl quietly slid from the bed and began dressing. Noticing what she was doing, the candidate turned and said, “Hold on, young lady. No one’s talking to you.”

Dear Mr. Bush,
I have observed my neighbor being unfaithful to his wife on many occasions. I know this because he sees my wife. Now I would like to know what you suggest I do to re-sanctify my marriage? I would hope you would discuss this with Mr. Clinton; he seems to have a broader view of marriage than what you are proposing unlike yourself, a man of Theological studies.
Sincerely, dis-sanctified

My new car....
I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!", he said, "Nelson"! The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!", He continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
"Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Barbara Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this car!

The difference between capitalism and communism is that under communism man exploits man, whereas under capitalism it’s the other way around.