A guy painting the inside walls of an outhouse fell through the opening and landed in the muck at the bottom. He shouted, “Fire! Fire! Fire! at the top of his lungs.
The fire department responded with sirens roaring as they approached.
“Where’s the fire?” asked the chief.
“No fire,” replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole.
“But if I had yelled, ‘Shit! Shit! Shit! Who would have rescued me?”

Steven Hawking came back from his 1st date in 10 years. Glasses smashed, broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees....... Apparently she stood him up!

Tired by his life’s hectic pace, the swinger determines to take a leisurely drive across the country. At first the pastoral sights pleased him, but by the time he got to Kansas, he was dying for some action. Pulling into the only gas station in a small town one Saturday evening, he asked the attendant, “Is there any nightlife in this town?” “Not anymore,” the station owner replied. “She moved to Chicago.”

A husband has a problem with premature ejaculation. The local sex shop gives him a can of stay-hard spray. The label on the can promises that if you spray a little of it on, you can go all night. The man goes home and hides the can in a cabinet. After dinner, anticipating a night of passion with his wife, he applies the spray. They began making love – but he finishes faster than ever. The next day, he takes the can back to the sex shop for a refund. “Let me guess,” the clerk says. “You brought the can home and hid it in the kitchen cabinet?” “Right! How did you guess?”
“You must have grabbed the can of EZ-Off, instead