A young man who felt very guilty when he had to put his elderly father into a nursing home, went to visit him to see if he was adjusting properly. He was relieved to see how clean and nice the place was, and since his father was in the dining room having lunch he decided to join him. Part way through the meal his father started leaning to one side. Instantly an attendant appeared and straightened him up. Several minutes later, he leaned to the other side. Again, an attendant immediately ran over and helped him get upright in his seat. The rest of the meal was without incident, and over coffee the son asked the father how he felt about the nursing home.
Well son the place is nice and clean and the service is good, but there's one thing I really can't stand".

"What's that, asked the son?"

"They don't let you fart here"!

An old lady, who as still a virgin, is sitting at home, when she gets a tingly feeling down there. She goes to a doctor and tells, "I got a tingly feeling. I am a virgin, so I know it’s not a STD. What could it be?" The doctor checks her out, and comes back and says, "I got some bad news, I don't know what's wrong with you." She goes to a second doctor and tells him the same thing, "I got a tingly feeling. I am a virgin, so I know it’s not a STD. What could it be?" The doctor checks her out and comes back in and says, "I got some bad news, your cherry is rotten, and you got fruit flies!"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest
in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Buzz off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man
wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen
my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
sh * t all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
sh * t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f * cken good appetite,
because the electricity was cut off this morning."

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."