This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down. The bartender says, hay buddy whats your hurry? The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing. The bartender backs up and says what do you have. The man says about 75 cents!

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, and a Mercedes
CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen, Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back!!!

This long-time unemployed piano player walking down the street sees a sign in a nightclub window "Musician Wanted." He goes in and applies. The club owner asks him to play something, so he does. When the song is over, the club owner tearfully says, "That's the most beautiful piece I have ever heard. What's it called?" The piano player says, "I call it... 'Your sister was a slut in the Navy'... I wrote it myself. Club guy says, "Unusual title. Do you have others?" He plays another with the same heart-rending tearful results. "What's that one called?" "I call it... Your mom was a companion of many soldiers... I wrote it myself” Club guy, "Real odd titles. I'll hire you to play songs like that but just don't tell people the titles."
Piano guy goes home, goes in the attic, digs out his old tux... it's a bit tight due to his weight gain over the last few years so he dresses without underwear. He goes to work that night and, as he sits at the piano, the crotch tears out of his tight-fitting tux pants. Without underwear his "privates" are hanging out the opening. Oh well, he starts playing anyway. Soon after his show has begun, a woman comes up and asks, "Do you know your hairy balls are showing?"
Piano guy says, “Know it? I wrote it!"

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. Before long the monkey is going crazy. It's doing flips on the bar, it grabs some napkins and eats them grabs some olives and eats them, it jumps over to the pool table grabs a pool ball and eats it. So now the bartender is pissed and yells at the guy. "What the hell Mister your monkey is crazy!!" The guy apologizes and says, "Yeah I know, I'm really sorry. But don't worry I'll pay for everything." So he pays for his beer, the napkins, and the olives, he even pays for the pool ball and then he leaves. About a week goes by and the same guy comes back to the bar with his monkey. He sits down and orders his beer and the monkey flips out again. This time he grabs a cherry sticks it in his ass and then eats it. The bartender says, "What the f…. your monkey is crazier than ever!!" The guy says "Yeah I know but after the pool ball now he checks for size first."