A little old lady was driving the wrong way down a one-way street and was stopped by a cop. “Didn’t you see the arrows?” he asked.
“Arrows? I didn’t even see the Indians,” she said.

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their forty-fifth wedding anniversary and their grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he dew them aside.
“You’re all grown men,” he said, “and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married.”
“What?” gasped one of the sons.
Do you mean to say we’re all bastards?”
“Yes,” snapped the old man, “and cheap ones, too.”

Bob the playboy suddenly decided to live a strictly moral life. First, he cut out smoking. Then he cut out liquor. Then he cut out swearing. Then he cut out women.
“Now he’s cutting out paper dolls.”

A man and a widow go to City hall to get a marriage license. While they are there, the clerk asks the woman if her previous marriage ended in death or divorce. “I didn’t know I had a choice,” she replies.