Q. What is the only bad thing about 69?
A. “The view.”

There are two words that a girl can say to me that I hate, Don’t and Stop.... But when she puts them together.... Don’t Stop, I’m happy!

THE CASE OF A PAMPERED TOY:

One day the penis and the shoe of this gentleman entered into a heated argument over which one of the two was doing the dirtiest most horrifying job for the gentleman. The shoe thought the penis has rubbed it in the wrong way and the following took place:
SHOE: Don’t you get fresh with me; you spoilt brat!!

PENIS: And how am I spoilt?

SHOE: I’m made to tread in the mud and dirt. When we get home I’m left in the corridor or hanged in the closet if I’m lucky. Meanwhile, you get washed with some nice soap, dried and powdered with some nice talcum powder. You always get to go with our master to his bedroom where a nice lady would be waiting in bed to give you a nice massage.

PENIS: “And for that you are jealous of me?”

SHOE: Well who wouldn’t like good things like that?”

PENIS: Shoe, I wish I had your chores instead of what I’m made to go through! Yes, my master washes me with soap and what not; and I get to go to the bedroom with him, but that’s all you know.

Now listen:

When we get to the bedroom our master and the said lady works on me until all my veins are pumped with blood to the point that the profiles of my veins are visible much to the envy of a vineyard twines. When I’m thus pumped up, my master guides me into a lightless, morbidly dark and slimy moist mine where I’m made to work like a galloping horse. My master would not pay any attention to me even when I’m dead tired. He will compelled me to work harder especially if the lady who controls the mine shaft urges my master on for more vigorous digging. This slavery will continue until and only until I become unconsciously nauseous and thereafter vomit. There and then my master would pull me out of the mine: weak and unconscious. Sometimes, my master would urge me on for a second shift and in some bizarre cases for a third if the shaft operator encourages my master for more.

SHOE: NO WAY!! I SAY NO WAY!! I’m sorry for envying you. I will do anything but for a job whereby one has to vomit before one is excused is definitely not for me!!

Q. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

A. Cuz they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.