If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it the wrong way.

Q. Why do ballerinas wear leotards?
A. So they don't stick to the floor when they do the splits

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the fridge see nothing they want and go to bed. Married men go to bed see nothing they want and go to the fridge.

A guy goes to the doctor. He says to the doctor, "Doc, you got to help me, I've had this erection for weeks. It hurts so bad, I can't put up with it anymore. So, can you help me?" The doctor says, "I can help you." So he licks his two fingers and smacks the guy's dick. Then a bug flew off and his dick went back to normal. Then the guy said, "Doc, I feel great now! How much do I owe you?" The doctor says, "Find me that bug and you don't owe me nothing'."