There are these two idiots walking down the street. One says,"Hey, what is that brown gooey stuff on the ground?" the other idiot says, "It looks like poop!" The first idiot says, " smells like poop, feels like poop," and the second one says, tastes like poop, IT IS POOP!!" good thing we didn't step in it.

The queen is visiting one of Australia’s top hospitals and during the tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. 'Oh God,' said the queen. ‘That’s disgraceful' what is the meaning of this???
The doctor leading the tour explains ‘I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.
If he doesn’t do that five times a day they'll explode and he’ll die instantly
‘Oh I’m so sorry' said the queen
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob 'Oh my God ' said the queen, 'what’s happening there??
The doctor replied, “Same problem, Better health cover”

A man is showing off his brand new rifle to his best friend. He is so proud of the fact that this rifle is the latest model equipped with high power sight. “Just look through that sight,” he tells his buddy. “Here, scan those roof tops.” His buddy looks through the sight, and suddenly he lowers the rifle. “Oh, no!” he says. “What?” asks his friend.
Swallowing hard, his buddy says, I just saw my wife making love to a guy on that roof over there.” Enraged he hands the rifle back to his friend and says, “I want you to shoot them for me.” “I can’t do that,” says his friend.
“Look,” says his buddy, “I don’t know anything about guns. You are my best friend, you’ve got to do this for me,” pleads his buddy. After making the difficult decision, his friend begins to aim.
His buddy says, “This is what I want you to do. I want you to kill them both! Shoot him in the balls, and her in the face!”
“Holly cow!” says his friend, peering through the sight and taking aim. “I think I can get this in one shot!”

A drunk man was walking down the street and was holding a key, a policeman stopped him, and the drunk said; “they stole my car it was just on the end of my key”. The policeman said; ‘more importantly did you know your penis is hanging out”, the staggering drunk said, “well, dam they stole my girlfriend to”.