A woman in a coma was receiving a sponge bath from the nurses. While washing the lady's private area, they both noticed that the heart monitor and brain monitor jumped. To make sure it wasn't a coincidence they tried again and both machines jumped again. Quickly one nurse ran out to the lady’s husband and said "Sir, I know this sounds unorthodox, but we believe that some oral sex will help you wife to come out of the coma"
"Really?" replied the perplexed husband
"Yes, and don't worry we will give you your privacy, follow me"
The nurse led the man to his wife’s bed, and closed the door behind her when she left. A few minutes later the emergency button flashed that the lady's monitor had flat lined. She ran into the room where the woman lay dead.
"What happened??!!" Screamed the nurse hysterically
The husband replied nonchalantly "I think she choked"

Q: How do you tell when you are at a gay picnic?
A: When the sausage taste like shit.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn’t back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, " All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches, who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're leaving.
The Mother went in and told her son, " We don't use that kind of language in the house. Now, I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train; but I want you to use good language;"
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, " All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of you belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
" For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen. And have a good day.”