An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying in silence for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “seven points.” His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?” The old man answers,” “I’m playing fart football!” A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.” After five minutes the old man farts again and says “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!” Furious about loosing, the wife rips another fat and yells out, “The score is tied!” The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose. He strains incredibly had but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed. The wife hears the noise and asks. “What in the world was that noise?” The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”

Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? You’ve been learning for 3 years, and you can only count up to 10. What will you do in life if you go on like that?

I’ll be a referee at boxing matches.

Two hunters go moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they come up with a foolproof plan. They get a very authentic female moose costume and learn the mating call of a female moose. The plan is to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, don their costume and begin to give the moose love-call. Before long, their call is answered as a bull comes crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull is close enough, the guy in front says, ‘OK, let’s get out and get him.’ After a moment that seems like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts, ‘The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do? The guy in the front says, ‘Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.’

Two friends are having drinks and talking about their vivid dreams. “Last night,” says the first man, “I dreamt I was playing a round of golf at Augusta. It was a gorgeous day and I was shooting the round of my life.” “That’s amazing,” the second man says. “Last night I dreamt I was in bed with two women.” “What!” his friend cries, “You had two women and you didn’t even give your best friend a call?” “I did,” explains the second man, “but your wife told me you were out golfing.”