After a man was arrested for bigamy, the guilty man was heard to remark,
“It’s the first time I ever heard of two rites making a wrong!”

Pat and Joe went out to dinner at a great seafood restaurant, and Joe indulged himself in a dozen oysters. Later that night, when they went to bed, Joe took out a book; propped himself up on some pillows and began to read. He felt the stare of Pat upon him, turned to look at her, and asked, “What?” Pat smiled and said, “I’m waiting to see if those oysters are going to kick in.”

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules; any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night….whether you’re here or not.”

The newlyweds undressed and got into bed. “Sweetheart,” asked the new wife.
“Could you please hand me that jar of Vaseline over there?” “Baby, you aren’t going to need any Vaseline,” he growled amorously. But at her insistence, he handed it over, and she proceeded to smear it liberally all over her crotch. After watching this procedure, the husband asked the wife a favor. “Remember that long string of pearls I gave your for an engagement present? Could you get them out of the bureau for me?” “Of course, love.” Replied his bride, “but whatever do you want them for?” “Well,” he explained, looking at the Vaseline smeared all over her, “if you think I’m going into a mess like that without chains, you’re crazy!”