A lady who lived in a small town in the northern woods had two pet monkeys she was very fond of. One of them took sick and died. A couple of days later the other one died of a broken heart. Wishing to keep them, the kindly lady took them to the taxidermist. The man asked her if she would like them mounted. “Oh, no,” she replied, “Just have them holding hands.”

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet, when he dusted it off - a genie appeared, and granted him 3 wishes. “I’d love an ice cold beer right now." - he asked the genie. poof! a beer appeared, next the man said: "I wish to be on an island surrounded by beautiful women." poof! he was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him. “I wish I never had to work again." and, poof!...he was back at his desk in the government office!

This man was having a hard time getting an erection. It had been a long time since he had intercourse with his wife. She finally told him if things did not change she was going to leave him. Seeking help he visits the doctor. The doctor says, there is a new intravenous drug that just came on the market and it will give you three erections, but it is expensive. The man said how much will it cost? The doc. said $1,000.00. The man thought this out and not wanting to lose his wife said Ok. The doctor gave him the shot, and explained how the drug worked. Now, you have three erections and all you have to say "is UP" and it will get hard until you whistle. So the man left feeling happy. But on his way home he thought what if it does not work. Curious he decided to test it out. He stopped the car and said "UP" and his dick swelled out like a log. The man said this is wonderful, so he whistled and it went down. When he got home he went into the elevator and told the operator UP and his dick swelled up with a big hard. Oh my, said the man I only have one erection left. He rushed into the house and told his wife to get undressed for he had a big surprise for her. She stripped down nude and he said UP and his dick came up like a log. His wife took one look, whistled and said "what a big one", it went down

A little boy was sitting on the side of a curb and was crying, this old man was passing by, and he stopped and asked the little boy “My dear boy why are you crying”? The little boy looked up at the old man all teary eyed and said "I've tried everything and I cannot get laid" the old man looked at the little boy, sat right next to him and started crying too.