A couple goes to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order. “I’ll have the biggest, juiciest steak on the menu,” says the husband. “But sir, what about the mad cow?” asks the waiter.
“Oh,” says the man, “she’ll order for herself.”

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, is relieved early and arrives home four hours ahead of schedule, at two in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undresses in the dark, creeps into the bedroom and starts to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sits up and says, ‘Joe, dearest, would you go down to the all-night chemist on the next block and get me some aspiring? I’ve got a slitting headache.’
‘Certainly, honey.’ He says, and feeling his way across the dark room, he gets dressed and walks over to the chemist. As he arrives, the pharmacist looks up in surprise, ‘hey,’ he says, ‘I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Beeman, right?’
‘Yeah, so?’ says the officer. ‘Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?’

A man nursing the flu was forced to stay home. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a deliveryman or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

The gynecologist is surprised to see one of his patient’s husbands in his waiting room. “What can I do for you Mr. Doyle?” the doctor asks. “I’m worried because our new baby has red hair.” “Why is that such a concern?” “I have black hair, my wife has black hair and all four of our parents have black hair.” “How often do you have sex?” “Oh, I guess about twice a year,” Doyle says, sheepishly. “That explains it,” says the doctor. “The red hair is from rust.”