A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not that bad when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. So he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?" The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".

One day after a long days work a man walks into a bar. He realizes that it's a gay bar, but decided to stay anyway. The bartender approaches and says what's the name of your penis. The man replies, "I'm not like that, I just want a drink,” The bartender says, "I can't serve you until you give the name of your penis. For example the name of my penis is Nike, for the slogan just do it. I'll come back in a few minutes." So the man thinks and turns to the man on his left and asks him the name of his penis. The man replies, "It's Timex, it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." The man then turns to his right and asks him. He replies "It's Ford. Have you driven a ford lately?" The man thinks and then calls the bartender over. "I got a name, it's Secret" Why is it secret, asked the bartender? The man says "it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman"

A guy walks into a bar and, and notices that behind the bartender there is a big gigantic jar full of 20-dollar bills. So the guy asks
Guy: Hey bartender what’s all the money for?
Bartender: Well mister, we have a little contest going on.
Guy: Oh yea, what is it?
Bartender: Well, for 20 dollars, u have to go down to the end of the bar and
knock that big fellow there out in one punch.
The guy takes a look down at the end of the bar and sees a big, muscular looking guy.
Guy: Well, I think I could take him.
Bartender: Hold on there partner, there's more. You see that door over there behind you?
Guy: Yea I see it.
Bartender: Well I got a pit-bull in there with a rotten tooth and u got to yank it out.
The guy thinks for a little while and replies
Guy: You know what I'm not of afraid of any dog I could do that.
Bartender: Wait a second there partner; there is one more task.
Guy: Then hurry up and tell me!
Bartender: Why do you see that door to the right of the pit-bull?
Guy: Yea
Bartender: Why I got my 70-year-old grandma in there and you got to make love to her.
Guy: I’M OUTTA THIS BET!
But after a couple of hours of drinking at the bar, the guy gets piss drunk. He goes over to the bartender and slaps 20 bucks on the table goes to the end of the bar and WHAM, knocks the big guy out in one punch. Then the guy slowly walks to the door with the pit-bull...he opens the door and steps in...all of a sudden its quite and all the bartender can hear is the growling and barking of an angry dog. The bartender listens closer and can hear things falling and breaking inside the room. Then after awhile the bartender hears the dog whimpering in fear and pain. Then the door opens...
The guy slowly crawls out of the room...his clothes are torn and his leg and arms are all bloody...the guy slowly gets up and looks at the bartender:

Guy: Now where's the old bitch with the rotten tooth.

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife. "He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."