Charlie was telling his tale of woe to his boss. He said, “I was so drunk last night that
I don’t know how I got home. Not realizing it was my bed I slept in when I awoke, I handed the woman next to me a $20.00 bill.”
“Is that what’s making you sad?”
“No,” said Charlie. “It was my wife I gave the $20.00 to, but she gave me $10.00 change.”

One day a man who was cross with his wife said to her; you are like a McDonalds hamburger- cheap, fat and greasy! The wife replies in a vigorous rage; and you are like a toilet- either taking the piss, look like crap or full of shit!

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated
each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that
it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband
in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that
his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to
find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed thirty years of
deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him
stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank.
She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and
these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would have given you all my business!"
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, get me another beer before it starts." That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started".