A guy is out one night with his girlfriend and they’re driving eighty miles an hour in his new sports car. She leans over to him, opens his fly, and reaches in. Suddenly a deer jumps in front of the car. He turns the wheel and finally comes to a rest. When the police get to the scene, the guy is still buckled in and alive. The cop says, “Your girlfriend was thrown from the car and killed. You sure are lucky.” “Lucky? Go look in her hand!”

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking girl behind the wheel. There was a strong liquor smell all over the car. “I am going to give you a Breathalyzer test,” he said. “That will show whether or not you are under the influence of alcohol.” She blew up the balloon and the cop walked it back to the police car. After a minute or two, he returned to the girl’s car. “Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones,” he said.
“You mean it show that, too?” she said.

While "flying" down the road yesterday (15 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face...... PRICELESS.

A man had just bought a new convertible, and he decided to take it on the highway to see what it could do. The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, and it was a beautiful day.
The man opened up the throttle and soon saw 80 mph. He increased his speed to 90 mph. Then he saw flashing blue lights in his rear-view mirror.
"There's no way he can catch me," the man said to himself. He floored the throttle, and the car increased speed to 100, 110, 120, 130, 140, 150 mph!
"What am I doing?" the man thought to himself. He slowed down and pulled to the side of the road. The policeman pulled up behind him and walked to his window.
"I've had a long day and I don't feel like doing more paperwork," the cop said. "If you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before, you're free to go."
"Last week, my wife ran off with a cop," said the man. "I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice day," said the officer.