Rod thought he’d heard the ultimate in braggadocio when he was walking home from a bar with his friends Hal and Jack. They’d been arguing about whose penis was longer, and when they’d stopped on a bridge to pee, Hal had said, “Hey, this water’s cold!” Jack had replied, “And it’s deep, too.” However, nothing would top the flea that was floating toward them on his back and yelling, “Raise the drawbridge! Raise the drawbridge!”

A man was driving on a lonely, mountain road in a blinding rainstorm when his car skidded and fell into a deep ravine. He managed to jump out just before the car went over the cliff and grabbed a large tree limb. Looking down at jagged rocks about 100 feet below, he yelled, "Can anybody up there hear me?" A loud rumbling voice said,
"I can hear thee, my son and I will save you if you have faith. Do you have faith?" The man replied, "I have faith and will do anything you say if you will only save me." The voice said, "Let go of the limb, my son." Looking down at the jagged rocks below, the man shouted, "Can anybody else up there hear me?"

Showering after a game of tennis, David happened to look over at Bob’s genitals.
“Wow!” he exclaimed, “that’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen!” Bob smiled. “It wasn’t always that big. It grew because I rubbed it with butter every day.”
Determined to improve his own endowment, David went home to do likewise. The following week he and Bob played tennis again. “How’s it going with your ….home improvement?” Bob asked.
“Terrible,” David said. “I’ve been greasing my dick every day, but it keeps shrinking!”
“Really? Are you sure you’re using enough butter?” “Butter, hell. I’m allergic to dairy products, so I’ve been using Crisco.”
Bob frowned. “Of course it’s getting smaller. Crisco’s shortening!”

The Emergency Operator takes a call from a very agitated young man.
"Send help fast!" he yells, "Her contractions have started. The baby's coming hurry, hurry! The operator says, "Sir, you must calm down. I have to get some information."
"O.K., O.K.," shouts the man, "just hurry!"
"That's better." says the operator, "Tell me now, is this her first child?"
"No, you idiot!" screams the man, "This is her husband!"