FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store. Amen.

Man: "Is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants!"
Woman: "Sorry but there's already one asshole in there!"

Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They irritate the shit out of you.

An elderly couple goes to bed. After a few minutes, the old man cuts a fart and says, "seven points." a few minutes later, the wife lets one rip and says, "touchdown! Tie score." So the old man blasts another and says, "tied! I'm ahead 14 to seven." the wife again breaks wind and says, "It's good! Tie game." The old geezer tries but can't muster another fart. He waits a few moments and then decides to give it everything he's got, but there's an awful wet sound. The wife asks, "What the hell was that?" old man says halftime switch sides.