A woman who had been married for some time decided to spice up her marriage a bit by planning a romantic evening at home alone with her husband. She bought his favorite take out, a bottle of expensive wine, some massage oil and a pair of crotch less panties. She set out dinner, opened the wine and she sprawled out on the couch in nothing but the crotch less panties. When her husband arrived home from work she said smoothly "Hey baby, you want a little of this?" With a horrified look her husband exclaimed "Hell, no! Look what it did to your panties!"

What’s the difference between medium and rare?
Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare!

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long, black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse and behind
the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't contain her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you but I've never seen a funera like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my
husband."
"What happened to him?"
"My dog attacked and killed him.
"Well who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to
help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant moment of silence passed between the two women.
"May I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line

A young teacher was giving her six-year-old class a lesson about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted.
At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.
Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."
"Don’t be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My Daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my sister came home with her boyfriend, and told Dad that she was pregnant. That’s when my Dad said, "God, that’s all we needed!"