This neighbor accidentally kills his neighbor's chicken. He goes to her house to inform her and he says: "I accidentally killed your chicken, but I am willing to replace it. The neighbor smiles and says. "It depends. How many eggs can you lay in a week?”

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming... from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing!?!" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing!?!" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television, with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock. He replied, "What's it look like? I'm watching the game with my Son-in-law."

Eino, a Finnlander from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older,
single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran.

Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a
venison steak.

Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they
were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the
grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful
that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to
Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass...and
as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, "You were born a
Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the
wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into
Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in
amazement and watched...There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water
which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were
born a deer and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye.

A BMW asks a VW Beetle - "Why do your eyes pop out of your body like that?"
The beetle replied - "Let them stick an engine up your a** and see what happens to your eyes!"