“Doctor,” said the man on the phone, “my son has scarlet fever.” “Yes, I know,” replied the doctor. “I came by your house and treated him yesterday. Just keep him away from the others in the house and …”
“But you don’t understand,” said the troubled parent. “He’s kissed the maid!”
“Well, that’s unfortunate. Now we’ll probably have to quarantine her…”
“And, doctor, I’m afraid I’ve kissed the girl myself.” “This is getting complicated. That means you may have contracted the disease.”
“Yes, and I’ve kissed my wife since then.”
“Shit,” exclaimed the doctor, “now I’ll catch it too!”

A businessman traveled throughout the Pacific Rim on an extended business trip. He mixed business with pleasure once too often and contracted a mysterious venereal disease. His head physician informed him that his member would have to be amputated. Shocked that his doctor would suggest such a radical procedure, the businessman consulted a few other doctors, but they all agreed with his head physician.
The businessman decided that if he contracted this disease in the Far East, he should consult an Eastern doctor, one who specializes in traditional Asian medicine. So he asked around, and made an appointment with a traditional healer in S.F.’s Chinatown.
After the businessman explained his problem and the opinion of his doctors, asked if amputation was really the only cure.
“No, I don’t think amputation is necessary at all,” said the Asian doctor. The businessman was extremely relieved. “That’s great! I saw a few doctors and they all said amputation was the only way.” “Bah!! What do Western doctors know?” scoffed the Asian healer with disdain. “Any doctor worth his salt could tell you that it’ll drop off by itself in three to six weeks!”

A man working in a pickle factory has a tremendous urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. He is so overwhelmed by this desire that sometimes he is just barely able to contain it. He becomes very worried and goes to see a psychiatrist. The doctor mention a similar case in which a man kept wanting to put his hand on a hot stove.” “What happened? Asked the man. “The patient did put his hand on a hot stove,” says the psychiatrist, “and he burned himself. But after that he never had the desire again. So my advice to you would be; if you have the urge to put your penis into the slicer, follow your impulse and try it.” “All right,” says the man, and he leaves. At his next appointment, the doctor asks him if he followed his advice. “Yes, I did”, says the man. “I stuck my penis into the pickle slicer.” “And what happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well,” replies the man, “We both got fired.”

Going to see her shrink, Gwen said, “You have to do something! Every time I go on a date, I always end up doing all kinds of perverted sexual acts. And then I spend the next day feeling guilty.” “I understand,” said the doctor. “We’ll work on improving your
willpower.” “No!” she declared. “I want you to work on getting rid of the guilt!”