A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.
The new man asked, What happened?
One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!

This guy was working on his car when he got gas on his hand and arm. As he was driving to the Auto Shop to get some more parts, he lit a match, his arm then caught on fire and in a panic he quickly rolled down the window and stuck his arm out to extingish the flame. The police pulled him over for an illegal use of a firearm.

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.
Oh yes dear, what happened ?
I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?
Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.
The woman answered Well, I have contacts.
The policeman replied I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!