John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
my life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
Toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A new porter in Paris was instructed by the manager that it was important to call the guests by their names, in order to make them feel welcome and that the easiest way to find out their names was to look at their luggage. Armed with this advice, the porter took two guest up to their rooms, put down their bags and said, "I 'ope you 'ave a 'appy stay ere in Paris, Mr. and Mrs. Genuine Cow'ide"

Americans are very lucky people, because they have George W Bush, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder. Here in Australia, we have Little Johnny Howard, No Cash, No Hope and No Wonder.

You know you're in an Australian Summer When...

. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
. The temperature drops below 35C and you feel a little chilly.
. You discover that in February it only takes 2 fingers to steer your
car.
. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
. You develop a fear of metal car door handles.
. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and
end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying hard-boiled eggs.
. The cows are giving evaporated milk.
. The trees are whistling for the dogs.