A man walks into the welfare office and tells the clerk, "You know, I'm getting tired of this welfare thing. I hate the image, and I don't want to be a drain on the public resources. It's time I found a real job." The clerk looks at him and replies, "Sir, we have just the thing for you. We have an opening for someone to be chauffeur and companion to rich young heiress. You drive her to shopping and lunch and Pilate’s classes, and satisfy all her sexual urges. You have the use of a stretch limo, and a two bedroom apartment over the garage. The salary is $300,000 a year plus expenses." The man stares at the clerk for a moment and then says, "You're bullshitting me!" The clerk replies sarcastically, "Well, you started it!"

Fancy Dress Dilemma

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a f---ing toffee apple.

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...............
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.

No Come Work Today!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."