A man calls his wife from the Emergency Room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he was working.
“Oh, my goodness!” cries his wife. “The whole finger?” “No,” replies the man, “the one next to it.”

A man is walking down the street, when a bum comes up to him and asks for a dollar. Being in generous mood, the man pulls out a ten-dollar bill.
As he hands it to the bum, he says, “You are not going to use this for booze, are you? “I never drink,” replied the bum solemnly.
“I hope you’re not going to use it for gambling,” says the man. “I never gamble,” the bum replies in earnest. “Say,” says the man, “would you mind coming home with me? I would really like for my wife to meet you.”
“Me?” says the surprised bum. “Why me?” “Well,” the man explains. “I would like to show my wife what happens to a man who never drinks or gambles.”

The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the House." He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director"!

A married couple is discussing why their marriage is in rut. They decide that like many married people, it’s because they never go out and have fun anymore. “Let’s go out and have a good time tonight,” the wife says finally. “Okay,” the husband replies. “But if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.”