A woman goes to her gynecologist for her annual exam and comes home and says to her husband "honey, the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." "Oh yeah" says her husband, "what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?" "Oh" she says, "He never mentioned YOU!"

Every time this couple made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years and a couple of kids the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Why is the bride dressed in white?"
MOMMY: "White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life."
LITTLE GIRL: "Then why is the groom wearing black?

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.
His wife told him, "Tomorrow there'd better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package on the driveway. When she opened the package, she found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.