After conducting a hell-fire revival meeting, the visiting evangelist decided to take a walk one evening and happened to wander into a nearby red-light district. On a corner, he saw a streetwalker leaning against a phone booth. The evangelist stopped and, in a powerful voice, he said, “Woman, I prayed for you last night.” “Well, you could’ve had me if you’d just come around,” she purred. “I was standing right here all night long.”

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Q: What’s the definition of Marriage?
A: The most expensive way to have your laundry washed.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.