A snake’s eyesight is failing so it pays a visit to the optometrist. “It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.” The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.
“They are fine,” the snake, answers. “But now I’m being treated for depression.” “Depression?” asked the doctor. “Yeah, my eyesight cleared up, but it made me realize I’ve been dating a garden hose.”

Two ducks are having an affair. They rent a hotel room for a couple of hours, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service. “Got it,” says the front desk clerk, “and would you like these on your bill?”
“Of course not,” the duck says. I’d suffocate.”

Two gophers are sitting on one side of the street, wondering what it is like across the way. So one gopher decides to dig a tunnel under the street to get to the other side. Once he gets there he decides to pop his head out of the tunnel. Just as he does this, a woman gets out of her car and starts to pee over the hole. The gopher goes back to the other side of the street and his friend asks him what he saw. He says, “all I know is, it rains so much over there that the birds build their nests upside down.”

Two flies land on a pile of manure. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, “Hey do you mind? I’m eating here.”