There are two old guys sitting in a retirement home talking about there indignity of growing old, the first old man said my hands shake so bad that this morning when I was shaving I cut myself in four places, and the second old man said that’s nothing, this morning when I was taking a piss I came three times.

A young cowboy walks into a seedy café in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead. Have at it."

Eagerly, the young cowboy slides the bowl over and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was so shocking he immediately loses his meal.

The old cowboy tightens his lips and says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got, too."

Q: What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
A: Toys For Twats!

Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave snail trails whilst moving.